he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
