I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
