I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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