can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
