I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So much Jack, so little girl.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
