i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
