I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
