You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
