I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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