God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
