That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Dear god my vagina.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
