I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
