remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
