Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
