I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
