Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
