I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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