Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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