Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Randomize