I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
