and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
