he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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