i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
