she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
