Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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