I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
