I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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