Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
