Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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