it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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