the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
