I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Alive.
So much puke
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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