It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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