How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize