There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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