I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm always down for nudity.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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