Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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