youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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