I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
