im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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