I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
