If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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