Duck Duck Cougar?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
