Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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