How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
