I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize