Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
