He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
