yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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