How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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