moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
