My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
