throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just googled if crying burns calories
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Boobs speak an international language.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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