Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize