Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The struggles of a small town man whore
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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