You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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