Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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