i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
