I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
