I am puke
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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