I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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