Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
