you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
