based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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