shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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