dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
