I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
