She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
