When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
