Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
