Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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